


overwhelming.

by stormpilots



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Confessions, First Kiss, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Oblivious Finn (Star Wars), POV Finn (Star Wars), POV Second Person, he's trying his best
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2019-01-06 04:03:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12203511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stormpilots/pseuds/stormpilots





	overwhelming.

A lot has changed in your life in a very short time, something everyone seems determined to remind you of constantly, as if you could somehow have forgotten that you were a stormtrooper before you were “Mr. Big Deal”, as some people still like to call you. You like to think you’ve settled in all right, but, truth be told, you do still wonder. You still wonder if you belong here, if you should have stayed after you rescued Poe.

You don’t doubt that saving his life was the right thing to do, however. Never in all your twenty-three years have you been surer that something you did was the right thing to do. And never have you regretted anything less. You wholeheartedly believe the galaxy would be a significantly worse place to live without Poe Dameron in it—even though you would never have met the pilot to begin with if you hadn’t saved him that day. Somehow, you still think your life would have gotten worse if you’d let him die.

He’s been a huge help to you while you’ve been adjusting to your new life. He’s been so kind, so understanding, he’ll sit and listen to you talk about how overwhelming it all is for hours if you need him to, and he’ll always have some sort of advice to offer you, something he thinks might help you with whatever problem you unloaded on him this time. And if you ever just need company, even if you don’t want to talk, he’ll just sit with you, and he’ll let you rest your head on his shoulder, while he holds your hand. He always absentmindedly massages your hands when he does that, something you’ve come to enjoy. He even lets you sleep next to him, because you struggled so much to sleep without being plagued by nightmares in the earlier days. You still have them, far more often than you’d like, but waking up to find Poe next to you always acts as a huge comfort to you.

You don’t know what you would do without him, you really don’t. He made you the man you are now, he even gave you your _name_. Before Poe, you were nobody, a series of letters and numbers, completely expendable. Nobody cared about you. You didn’t matter, you could be replaced in a heartbeat. But Poe changed that. He gave you a name, an identity, a home where people knew you from everybody else, where people cared whether you lived or died. Poe may owe you his life, but in a certain sense, you owe him yours, too. He’s done so, so much for you, and he never looks for anything in return; he just genuinely wants you to be happy. You wish you could find some way to repay him for all his kindness.

That, of course, has led to some other qualms you’re left facing. Things you aren’t sure you should tell him about. You’re very new to this whole _feeling_ thing, but you aren’t completely oblivious. Well, not anymore. People talk. You’ve learned plenty, and you have an idea of what certain feelings are supposed to mean. And that’s why it scares you, the way your heart races when you speak to him, the way you can feel yourself warming up, the way your breath catches in your throat when he hugs you (which is something he’s taken to doing a whole lot). Because you know, from other people’s descriptions, that that’s only something that’s supposed to happen when you’re in love. And while you think that if you were going to be in love, Poe would be a very good person to be in love with, you don’t know if you’re supposed to be in love with him. You’ve heard plenty of talk about Poe Dameron, about how “he’s not quite a ladies’ man”, but you aren’t sure. And, even if those rumours are true, who’s to say that that means he feels the same way when he sees you? You don’t know if he gets nervous every time you’re close to him, or if he wants to protest when you take a step back from him.

You’ve thought about telling him about it, but you’re afraid it’ll turn out that he’s not as overwhelmed by you as you are by him, and he won’t turn out to feel the same way. You’ve considered telling Rey, as well, as she’s taken quite an interest in your feelings lately, but you don’t think she’s all that fond of Poe, as you’re pretty sure you constantly catch her throwing him dirty looks. You don’t know what her issue is there, and you don’t want to ask, but she certainly seems to look annoyed when she sees you with him. You think you caught them arguing once, but they stopped talking the second you walked in. You think you heard your name. Rey had stormed out of the room after that, but Poe just smiled at you, and walked you out of the room with an arm draped over your shoulders. Nobody talked about it afterwards.

Still, despite your best efforts, you think Poe might be on to you. You often catch him staring at you from the other side of the room, and when he realises you’ve seen him he turns bright red and pretends he was doing something else. He often seems to be looking a little too intently at you when you talk, as well, as though he’s studying you. You wonder what it is he’s looking for, what he’s thinking when he stares at you with that _look_ in his eyes, the same look he wore when he told you to keep his jacket. You wish you knew more about people, about how to read them. Maybe if you knew a little more about that, you’d be able to tell what’s going through his head sometimes.

Regardless of whether he’s suspicious of you or not, his affection towards you hasn’t lessened. So, when you walk into his room, eyes downcast, and ask if he’d mind if you sat with him, he says yes immediately, setting aside whatever it was he was doing and making space for you to sit next to him. He prioritises you over everything, which, despite being a little worrying, warms your heart in ways you could never describe, even if you were given an eternity.

His arm around your shoulder is strong, and his body next to your is warm. He’s so comforting, somehow, and you love being near him. Your eyes are closed as you lay your head on his shoulder, and all you can hear is his breathing, slow and steady. You wonder if he enjoys these moments as much as you do, or if he’s just trying to be kind by allowing you to interrupt him constantly. That thought is . . . slightly worrying. You’d hate to be an annoyance to him, he’s done so much for you, the idea that you might just be irritating him by depending so heavily on him is frightening. You open your eyes, frowning deeply at the thought. Poe, of course, notices immediately.

“What’s up, buddy?” he asks, his voice laden with concern for you.

You hesitate before you answer. What are you supposed to say to that? _Oh, I’m just worried that you’re only pretending to like me_? No, you can’t say something like that. Definitely not. But what, then? You can’t just stay silent, or he’ll _know_ there’s something bothering you, and you’ll have to come clean. When you realise the look on his face has changed, you panic a little, and say the first thing you can think of, which turns out to be a high pitched, stammered out “Oh, uh . . . nothing!” which is _completely_ believable. Well done, Finn. Great job.

Poe frowns deeply, shifting so he can better look at you. This moves you from where you were resting against him, although he’s still resting his hand on your shoulder. You focus on that instead of your own thoughts, because they don’t seem to be getting you anywhere right now. “Finn,” he begins, his voice soft, “talk to me. What’s wrong? Did someone say something?” there’s something akin to anger in his voice now. “I swear, if someone—”

“No one said anything, Poe,” you reassure him. You know what he meant. You pretend not to, but you hear the comments some people make, things about how you don’t belong, about how you’re still just a stormtrooper. They still quite upset you, but before, while you were still getting used to being _Finn_ , rather than _FN-2187_ , they made you doubt everything, right down to whether or not even _Poe_ wanted you there.

“Then what is it? Because there’s definitely something, you don’t frown like that when you’re all fine and content.”

You can’t think of anything to say, so you just look away. He sighs, pulling you in for a hug. You hesitate, but hug him back, burying your face in the crook of his neck.

“You’ve never turned me away, not once,” you murmur, your voice just barely audible. “I could come to you at any time, ask you for anything, and you wouldn’t even hesitate to drop everything to help me. Does . . . does it get annoying?”

“Annoying?” Poe’s voice was filled with disbelief. “Finn, is that what’s bothering you? You think you’re _annoying_ me?”

You don’t speak, and your silence seems to answer his question perfectly well. He tightens his hold on you for a minute, before pulling back, his hands on both of your shoulders as he looks you in the eye. “Finn, no,” he says firmly, “you could never, _ever_ , be annoying to me.”

There aren’t words for your relief at that, and you break into a wide grin, which he reflects after a moment. Goodness, you love it when he smiles. You like seeing people smile in general, the happiness of other people tends to make you happy, but Poe’s smile is something special, as far as you’re concerned. In fact, as far as you’re concerned, _Poe Dameron_ is something special.

“That . . . that’s good to hear,” you reply, “you have no idea how relieving it is. I thought I was getting to be a burden on you, always needing something or other from you.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” he scolds, rolling his eyes as he pulls you close once more. “I like spending time with you, you idiot. I want to be there for you. You’ve been through a lot lately, you need someone you can always depend on. Day or night. If anything, I’m just glad I got to be that person.”

You feel your cheeks heating up at that, your stomach fluttering. He’s so good to you, sometimes you find it difficult to believe that he’s real. “So . . . it’s really fine?”

“Yes, Finn,” he assures you with a sigh. “I would tell you if it wasn’t. But like I said, I’m happy to have you around.”

You rest your head on his shoulder again, and after a moment he settles once more, relaxing as much as you. He sighs softly, as you shut your eyes, focusing on the warmth of him next to you. However, the silence doesn’t last; it’s mere moments before Poe breaks it again.

“Hey, Finn?” his voice is soft, and he almost sounds _unsure_ of what he’s about to say. That only serves to make you nervous, but you try not to show that too much.

“Yeah? What’s up?”

“There’s, uh . . . something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about,” he says, and suddenly your heart is racing. You don’t know why, but immediately you’re certain he’s going to bring up what you’re sure he suspects about your feelings towards him. You try to keep calm, but stay silent just a moment too long, so he goes on before you can reply. “There’s no real easy way to say this,” he forces a small half-laugh, “but, well, I’ve let it lie for more than long enough. Don’t feel like I’m trying to pressure you into anything with this, okay? If it’s too much, or anything else, we can pretend this conversation never even happened, okay?”

You wait, holding your breath, your heart pounding. You nod a little, as you wait for Poe to go on. You’re practically trembling, and he seems to be able to tell, as he tightens his hold on you the way he does when you wake up shaking after a nightmare.

“Hey, don’t be scared,” he assures you, “you’ve done nothing wrong. I just really think I need to tell you this.” He pauses, taking a deep breath. “Finn. We’ve been really close for . . . well, a pretty long time now, right?”

You nod, still not quite able to find your voice. He seems satisfied enough with just a nod in reply.

“Okay, okay, good. Look, sometimes, when you’re close to a person—or even when you’ve hardly spoken to them—you start to see them a different way. Do you know what I mean?”

Another nod. You can’t think of any other way to respond. Poe goes on, so you assume it doesn’t bother him too much.

“Good, that makes this a little easier,” another half-laugh, “I just want you to know that, well . . . I’ve started to see you differently. As a lot more than just a friend. You don’t have to feel the same way, you can totally ignore this if you want, but I want to be honest with you.”

You’re silent for what feels like forever, trying your best to process what you’ve just been told. Poe feels the same way. That has to be what he’s trying to tell you, right? What else could ‘a lot more than just a friend’ mean? You realise after a few moments that his face is starting to fall; you need to say something, to try and salvage the situation. But words just won’t come to you, you can’t get them out. He starts to pull away from you, sighing, so, desperately, you grab at him, clinging to him.

“Finn?” he sounds hopeful, and goodness, you could kiss him right now.

In fact, you do just that. You’re not sure where the confidence comes from, but before you can stop yourself, you’re leaning in, and he realises just before your lips meet what you’re about to do. He returns the kiss eagerly, cupping your cheeks in his hands. You can feel him smiling against your lips, as you wrap your arms around him, and let your eyes fall shut. His lips are soft, and warm, and you’re already addicted to them. He tastes sweet, and all you can feel is the warmth from his body. You can’t believe he let you kiss him. Even more than that, you can’t believe that he’s so willing to kiss you back, as if it didn’t even take any thought, it was just instinct. You never imagined before now that you’d end up _kissing_ Poe Dameron, particularly not after his (more than slightly) awkward confession of having feelings for you.

It's overwhelming, there’s no other word for it. At least, no other word that you know. You’re not sure it’s quite sunk in yet what’s actually happening. When Poe finally pulls away, holding you tight and resting his forehead against yours, all you can do is grin breathlessly at him, before breaking into laughter. He seems confused at first, but ends up laughing with you, and you swear you’ve never heard anything more beautiful in your life.

“Where did that come from?” he asks once the laughter dies down, and all you can do is shrug, because you have no idea. He seems satisfied with that, but you’re pretty sure anything would be satisfactory to him right now, and, after a moment’s pause, he tackles you, kissing you once more. You don’t protest, kissing him back, and rather than trying not to get overwhelmed, as you’ve been doing for what feels like forever at this point, you simply melt into it, happily allowing Poe to overwhelm you.


End file.
